The woman in the mirror

Men who read my blog talk about the unfiltered insight it gives them into women and how it highlights what makes us so different. It appears there are swarms of men who don’t fully understand the constant chatter that happens in our heads which we rarely, if ever, get a break from. For the most part men are simple creatures who focus on the task at hand then move onto the next. In my experience, there isn’t a single woman who can do the same.

If we’re physically completing one task at a time it’s only because that task requires our full attention in order to get done. I guarantee that if we can do 10 things at once, we will. But while we’re doing those things there are 20 miscellaneous thoughts running through our minds that may be completely irrelevant in the moment. Nevertheless, those lingering thoughts are there. Constant reminders of everything we are, everything we’re not and everything we should be. This negative feedback loop plays over and over in our heads and we're at a loss for how to make it stop.

Women are the queens of multi-tasking. We make things happen for all the people we love and we do so because we feel an enormous sense of responsibility to care for and nurture them. In today’s modern society that innate biological wiring to ‘look after’ is negatively perpetuated by social media and the expectations placed upon us to be all of the things. The boss lady, the great Mum, the wife who’s always up for sex, the friend who never forgets a birthday, the person who always sends flowers, the immaculately dressed woman, the one who’s always available for a coffee even though the kids have gastro and the house smells like a sewerage pipe. We want to pack the most nutritious lunch boxes and we want our kids to know we love them and we worry that they don’t know because we work too much but if we don’t work we won’t have enough money and divorce is so common these days what if our husbands leave us? What if, what if, what if?

What men don’t always understand is that every problem we can perceive is a problem that we worry about, even when nothing about it is rooted in reality. We need a plan A, B, C and D for an issue that doesn’t even exist yet. So if you feel the cogs turning from the other side of the bed after another disappointing “not tonight babe”, it’s not because we don’t love you. It’s because we’re thinking about how to get 3 kids out of the car if we have a major accident and fly off the side of a bridge into a river. Or we’re thinking about what we should have said in Grade 10 when that person asked us that question. Or we’re wondering why our ex-boyfriend treated us so poorly even though that was 15 years ago and he was a total douchebag and we want nothing to do with him. We’re wondering what it says about us if he could be so cruel. And to be honest sometimes we’re wondering if thinking about him means we don’t love you even though we know that we do. Even though we know that he has nothing on you and could never compare. We just don’t know why he's still floating around in the ether of our minds. And I guess we’re always wondering if we’re the problem, y’know? But not in the Taylor Swift way because *wait for it* - I don’t like Taylor Swift.

Amidst all this thinking we finally get to sleep and wake up the next day brewing a fresh pot of guilt because you went to bed with blue balls. Again. Then we look in the mirror and wonder what you see in us anyway? Hair is terrible today, I should probably get it cut. Would I look good with a bob? Doubt it, my face is too round. Perhaps a fresh colour? Would need a babysitter to spend hours in the chair. Gosh my skin is terrible. When did I get so old? If I cover up that part of my face, I actually look ok. If my thighs were only a little bit smaller I think I’d look good. I should probably start that diet next week. Am I pulling my weight at work? Do people hate me because I have to leave early to get the kids? I wonder what kind of laser would work on these stretchmarks. If this cream for my pimply ass doesn’t take I’ll start wearing shorts on the beach. Better look some up online. Which reminds me I need to order our groceries. Or did I do that yesterday? Shit I haven’t washed the kids uniforms. Fuck we need to get a birthday present for that party tomorrow. Need to sort an outfit. I wish I had nicer feet, then I could wear those cute sandals with my new dress. Hope it zips up over my ass, haven’t had time to open the parcel. Our post man seems like a nice guy. But what if he tries to rob us one day because he knows my husband’s not home? I should look up self-defence classes. Who are the emergency contacts in my phone? I’ll set them as my favourites. Wonder if that box of chocolates is still in the fridge. Probably shouldn’t eat any if I want to fit into that dress. Maybe just one. Stuff it I’ll eat them all, life’s short. Guess I’ll join that gym after all. Nearly 3pm – where did the day go?

Fuck. Didn’t take the chicken out for dinner.

If you’re a man reading this I want you to go and ask your wife or girlfriend or Mum or sister if any of what I’ve written rings true and I guarantee that most of them will say yes. To some degree that’s how all our brains work. Our concerns and our worries and our to-do lists may differ but they are as extensive and consistent as each others. My self-loathing may not relate to parenting and a romantic relationship but sometimes I wake up and curse my face, my stretchmarks, my cellulite, my ass, my feet, my big ears and the irrepressible compassion I take into my job when the men around me in similar positions get more respect for being hard asses. There are days when we really do berate ourselves for all the things that we struggle to be. We look in the mirror and wish things were different, even the most ‘beautiful’ and ‘successful’ of us. And in those moments, it’s difficult for anyone to change our minds.

But instead of word vomit that over breakfast to give men a glimpse into our world, we keep it in. Instead of tell you that we don’t want to have sex because we feel ugly and unworthy and hyper-alert and constantly on edge, we just tell you that we’re tired. Which we probably are. Instead of reach for intimacy we create space for all the things on the list that we think we need to fix or change or do. Instead of lightening the load we envisage a bigger one. We mentally prepare for things that haven’t even happened yet. The imaginary fire that we need to save our kids from or the bullies that will inevitably rear their ugly heads at high school. Why? Because we think it’s our job to be everything for everyone. And if while we’re doing our job we admit that the weight of the world is on our shoulders, we’re afraid it might come crashing down. All the while forgetting that men were born to build things.

The ones who truly love us, will put us back together.

With love, always

J