Situationships

Do you remember the opening credits of My Best Friends Wedding? If you haven’t seen it then you’re either too young to be reading my blog, too old to care or you’re a person I simply cannot respect (just kidding, but go watch the movie). Basically a bride and her bridesmaids are singing about what you need to do to keep a man which, apparently, is very simple. All you have to do is “hold him and kiss him and love him and show him that you care”.

But what if these singing, dancing, perpetual romantics are wrong? No spoiler alerts here – we all know they are.

My girlfriends drunk dialled me yesterday, apparently testing their ‘emergency contacts’ to see who’d pick up if they’d been kidnapped. They know full well no one in their right mind would kidnap them because it’d be way more trouble than it’s worth. One would enjoy it too much (especially if there’s strangulation involved) and the other would use the utter lie that her Dad’s a famous footy player as a bargaining chip for freedom. They’re both reading this right now knowing it’s true. The sheer effort involved to shove them into a car wouldn’t be worth the mouthing off and the smart ass, “Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me?” remarks.

Despite being balls deep in champagne and especially happy from copious amounts of sun and no doubt a few durries, they did offer up a great suggestion for tonight’s post. “You should write about situationships Jazz”. So, here we are. Also, a quick PSA to my friends. Please start getting drunk on Wednesdays to give me inspiration earlier in the week. I’m cutting it fine to get this blog out every Sunday.

My single girlfriends and I are at the age where the men we’re interested in are more than likely to have baggage. Kids, ex-wives, baby mamas, baby mama dramas, receding hairlines and erectile dysfunction (no hating, just stating). Either that or they’re still in their 20’s, have no idea how to use their penis and are attracted to girls with angry bird eyebrows. With these limited options it comes as no surprise that my friends have ended up in situationships they never would have entertained in their younger years. Once you realise that life and love are far more complicated than you expect them to be, you tend to have a more forgiving attitude towards potential suitors. Which I’m not necessarily saying is a bad thing (see my blog “On Paper”), but it’s not an ideal thing either. The potential of something can appear alluring until you’re 5 years deep with nothing to show for it but an unregulated nervous system and a string of text messages you can’t stop reading.

Situationships come in all different shapes and sizes and it would be impossible for me to touch on every single one in this post. You could be sleeping with a guy at work just hoping he’ll take you on an actual date, it could be the guy you’re seeing who has 2 baby mamas and can’t tell them about you, maybe it’s the dude from college who’ll only acknowledge you behind closed doors or it’s the guy making promises you’re praying he can keep. What most situationships have in common is that whether or not we’ll admit to it, they’re woven with lies. Half of them the ones we tell ourselves and the other half we let him think we believe. Which is probably the part that hurts the most. When did we get so far from home that we started to accept the bare minimum? And if all you had to do was hold and kiss and love and care for men, why are my friends lying awake at night wondering if they’re good enough? I have never pretended to be an expert on anything in this blog. But if there’s one thing I know love not to be, it’s that.

There’s much to be said for ‘right person, wrong time’ but there’s also a lot to be said for the stories we tell ourselves and the fantasies we commit to. Perhaps it’s easier to hide behind the whimsical idea that if only things were different, the two of you would surely live happily ever after. If only you’d met him first, if only his baby mama wasn’t jealous, if only he’d stop fucking other girls (if only you’d stop pretending you were ok with it), if only he’d show up when he said he would, if only you could rely on him, if only it wasn’t so hard, if only you didn’t have to keep it a secret. If only he would commit to all of you in the same way you commit to the dregs you get from him, maybe then things could work. But more than likely, they won’t. This is a situationship and not a relationship and you signed on the dotted line. Why? Because you’re a woman and all we truly want is to be loved and adored and taken care of. Even if it’s by the wrong man. In fact, especially when it’s by the wrong man. We’re funny like that.

I don’t care how many times the two of you have stayed up together theorising your ‘past lives’ and doing toxic spiritual maths (like girl math, but worse) concluding that your souls have met before. You’re not the first person to confuse chemistry for compatibility and you won’t be the last. His moon rising and your 6th house are not good enough reasons to be together. Please stop paying Esmeralda from Byron Bay $50 to convince you otherwise and start rethinking the terms via which you give your heart away. People use romanticised spirituality to rationalise even the poorest decisions. It doesn’t matter how many times your paths have crossed “only to be reunited with each other again” – it doesn’t change the fact that you are where you are right now. In this century. In this year. During this month. On this date. You are you and he is him and it’s not your time. You deserve to be someone’s priority, not their dirty little secret. Not an afterthought. Not second best. Not a cancelled date or an 11pm booty call. When will you ignore the potential of what could be and accept the truth of what is? More importantly, when will you let go of the idea of him so you can accept the reality of someone else?

I once had a long distance ‘boyfriend’ who never actually claimed me as his girlfriend and only told me he loved me when he was drunk. For years I nursed the deeply unsettled feeling of being together but not being together with someone I thought I was in love with. No one was to blame, we were just doing things the only way we knew how. I was in my very early 20’s then so as you can imagine, the breakup aftermath was quite dramatic, as were the words I wrote describing that period of my life.

“And I, so desperate to love you, endured the roller coaster hoping that one day the ups and downs would feel less like nausea and more like elation”.

All I’m saying is, maybe it's time to get off the ride?

With love, always

J