On Paper

Have you ever sat back and thought about the kind of man you wanted when you were 18 years old? And reflected on how that changed when you were 21, 25, 30 and so forth? Well I have…and holy shit are they vastly different. My list of criteria has transformed significantly over the years and no one is more surprised than me.

‍

I recently said to my best friend, “When it comes to men, what looks good on paper doesn’t necessarily translate to what feels good in real life” and honestly, even I was impressed by the truth of my own statement. It’s hard to consider the idea that everything you once thought you wanted was fuelled by misguided intentions. But until we know better, how can we expect better? Of men. Of ourselves. Of our lives. Sometimes you have to feel the pain of wrong to recognise the peace of right. No matter how many personal or familial expectations you bulldoze on your way there.

The private school educated Lawyer/Doctor/Businessman that I was aiming for with a gorgeous body and lots of money has more often than not appeared to be a womanising pig (and no, this is not me picking on men, it’s me making what is clearly a generalisation based on my own observations). He is the man eying other women up and down at the bar. The one who looks past you, not at you. The guy always on his phone hoping for something (or someone) better to do. He’s the one society told you was appropriate for you because you’re ‘cut of the same cloth’, whatever the fuck that means. He’s the man that looks good on paper but feels like self-inflicted heartbreak in real life. The bloke that ticks all the boxes except any of the ones that truly matter. Deep down he's insecure but his family’s money and his last name give him a false sense of manhood. One he knows he doesn’t deserve. It doesn’t matter how fast his car goes, he’s never truly satisfied. Not with you. Not with the woman he thinks you don’t know about. Not with anything.

And the person he’s truly hurting in all of this, is himself. So why do I care?

Well, I don’t. Not anymore anyway. The problem is, you don’t know any of that when you’re young. You just know you have a list of criteria and his pedigree stacks up against all of them so you get yourself involved in a situation you have no business being in. He doesn’t even have to be the private school boy for this to relate to you. Maybe that was never part of your plan. Take this and apply it to the criteria of your liking, the answer is always the same. He could be the local bad boy that you think you’ve tamed or a Queensland Cup star just waiting for his call up to the NRL. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is – once he’s ticked all your boxes, what else does he do? Sure, your Dad might like him because he’s a good story for the lads at the pub. Maybe his resume sounds good at dinner parties or your friends Mums swoon over him and his charming good looks. Maybe he says all the right things to all the right people and gives you social media credibility for being a total babe. But when you lay your head down at night, what does your heart say about the person lying next to you?

Does he have your back? Is he reliable? When his phone pings at 11pm are you confident it’s just his Mum? Are you with a man that will turn to you and say, “Don’t worry baby, I’ve got this”? Someone who doesn’t think you’re too damaged or too emotional or too much.

Can he look past the woman you’re pretending to be and notice the scared little girl just praying that she’s good enough? Does he know the thoughts that keep you up at night? The shame of your past, the fear of the future, the constant uncertainty about who you are and the stories you tell yourself about who you ‘should’ be.

What I’m asking is – does he see you?

My experiences have taught me that I need a man who doesn’t expect me to be perfect. I want a man who opens my doors and carries my bags. I don’t want to be an independent woman all day, every day. Your girl is TIRED and she’s HUNGRY (did someone say KFC?). Despite my Destiny’s Child filled adolescence, I love being taken care of. But if we put all the chivalry aside, there appears to be a few defining characteristics that in my opinion separate the boys from the men.

Find a man who seeks to understand you. Someone who will hang the washing out even though he never does it the way you like. Take a lover who looks in the mirror and likes what he sees more often than he doesn’t. A man who hates himself cannot love you, not in the way you deserve. It takes time for them to get there – but a man who stares his ego in the face and says “not today”, is a man worth pursuing. If he can be soft when the world demands him to be hard, you know that he is courageous. If he can be hard when the world demands that he be soft, you know that he is brave. When he shows you that he can tell the difference between the two, you know that he is wise. If he drives 2 hours to bring you chocolate when your hormones are raging, keep him. If he asks you what you’re passionate about and listens with both ears, tell him how much you appreciate it. Happiness is fleeting so that’s not what I’m aiming for. If you’re looking for a consistent reel of happy memories to hang your relationship hat on, you’ll never find it. It doesn’t exist. Instead, find someone who helps you cultivate a life you’re enthusiastic about. That's what I plan to do. There are plenty of good men out there who will go all in for you and from mine (and my friends) experience, they tend not to be the guys that just look good on paper. They’re the ones you didn’t expect, the ones you never saw coming. The best friend turned lover. The guy you work with at the gym. The weirdo on tinder you accidentally swiped right for. The boy you didn’t look twice at in high school. The dude you met on the dancefloor who made a total dick of himself and didn’t care what anyone was thinking. The bald guy at the bar. The one you met at that 30th birthday party you and your friends weren’t actually invited to (awkward). Whoever he is, he’s the kind of man you want to be a good woman for, however that may look to you.

I get that you want a super-rich hot guy to sweep you off your feet. I really do. And I’m not telling you to lower your standards or give up the things that are important to you. I’m just asking you to think about why they’re important in the first place. By all means have your list. Get everything down on paper. Knowing what you want is great. Knowing why you want it is another story. Who are you trying to impress? What are you trying to prove? If the answer is no one and nothing, I’m happy for you. If you don’t know, maybe ask yourself this question:

When you’re in the trenches of life and you look to your left, what do you see - a boy with a shovel or a man with a plan?

I don't want someone to dig me to China. I'd rather fly.

With love, always

J