I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 34

Here we are! 34 years old.

High School Jazzy would be equally mortified and disappointed that none of her plans have come to fruition. No house, no husband, no Law Degree, no kids, no European Summer every year and a body that bears absolutely no resemblance to Jenny from the Blocks. Would it be stupid of me to take life advice from a 13 year old girl with no job, no money and a draw full of Canterbury shorts that are nowhere near as cool as she thinks they are? Absolutely. Thus, disappointing that dumpy little teen is the least of my worries.

Right now I feel about 25 but with the wisdom and life experience of someone who is a lot closer to 40. Honestly. Not because I’ve been through hell and back or because I think I’m the wisest person to exist, I just think I’ve made a very conscious effort to observe and learn from my mistakes along with everyone else’s (and boy oh boy have there been some mistakes).

If you’re reading my blog you obviously have some interest in what I have to say. So if I may, I want to tell you what I’ve learnt in my short life thus far. This is by no means an all-encompassing list. It’s just what I managed to finalise on yet another plane.

First and foremost – everything really does get better with age. You may not always like what you see in the mirror but you’re starting to realise that what you see is based on what you think and what you think is a lie. I walked through Priceline recently and a man clearly looking for something for his wife said to me, ‘’No wonder this is a billion dollar industry’’. And he was right. The aisles were teeming with young women looking to fix something, treat something or cover something up. All of this thanks to groups of people sitting in boardrooms conjuring up potions and products that we never thought we needed until now. Eventually that kind of marketing stops working - but only if you open your eyes and close your wallet.

Trust that anything meant for you will never pass you by. You are not falling behind if you’re not married by 25 and life will not punish you if you haven’t figured out your passion before 30. We aren’t in high school anymore and this isn’t an English assignment, the only due date looming over your head is the one you set yourself. Half the fun lies in getting it all wrong and trust me, I’m an expert in that. I just spent 5 minutes laughing with my best friend about the guys I’ve kissed for charities sake. The ones I felt sorry for and threw a bone to. Some of them most definitely confused about their sexuality, others resembling frill neck lizards. I’m 34 and have no marriage prospects in a 10000-kilometre radius but rather than wallow over what I’m missing, I’ve made a pretty good life for myself. I live overseas, earn 6 figures and am currently pursuing my passion (this blog) from the poolside of a 5-star hotel. The money and career don’t define me but when I do settle down and have kids, I want to look back and know I made the most of this season of my life. I truly believe that whatever is meant for me (and you) is already on its way.

When adults tell you that in a few years you won’t even think twice about that stupid boy who broke your heart, they’re wrong. Over the years you’ll think of him at least three times. Once to ask yourself what you ever saw in him, twice to giggle at the ugly clothes he used to wear and three times to thank your lucky stars it was a teenage crush that never worked out. If he was a real knob jockey, you and your girlfriends will laugh about him every time you open a bottle of wine.

There is no rule anywhere that states you are required to maintain a friendship because of time. And if there is, it was 100% written by a narcissist. Stop acting out of obligation and start respecting yourself more. There are people in your life who should be thrown out with the trash and sometimes those people are the ones pretending to love you when in actual fact, they hate you. They despise everything you are because it’s a reminder of everything they’re not. When Oprah said “You can’t be friends with someone who is jealous of you”, she was right. Off with their heads (figuratively of course).

You are not the total sum of all the bad things you’ve ever done. I repeat. You are not the total sum of all the bad things you’ve ever done. I’m not in the business of revealing anyone’s secrets but I have a lot of friends I’ve consoled after seemingly life changing mistakes. Mistakes which didn’t actually change much at all. Most of us are doing what we can with what we’ve got and sometimes what we’ve got is very little. It’s not my job to make excuses for your actions or to scold you for your transgressions. All I’m saying is once you know better, do better. If you’ve conjured up an imaginary Karmic debt you think you owe, that’s how you repay it.  

People pleasing is fertile ground for resentment. Don’t plant your seeds there, you won’t like what grows. A clever human on the internet once said, “No is a full sentence”. I don’t know who that person is but I guarantee they have a nicer garden than mine.

As I write this, the teeny tiny bikini on the girl a few sunbeds away is failing to keep her tampon string tucked safely in her undercarriage. Given her cooked friend appears to be asleep at the wheel I’m off to do what us women do and tell sis the gentle truth (before 1 of the 100 men around this pool notice). This is the perfect example of when honesty is the best policy. The same does not apply when your wife asks if she “looks fat in this”. Do not stupidly interpret this as a multiple-choice question and for God sake don’t pause before you deliver a clear and resounding no. There are some hard truths that women can only hear from their friends and this is one of them. The idea that you may find us even the slightest bit rotund despite the 10 pairs of Spanx we have on will start World War 3 in our heads. Like it or not this will never change, no matter how old we get.  

It may surprise you to learn how far the words “I’m sorry” can take you when spoken genuinely and without delay. Admit when you’re wrong, especially when it’s hard. The ego is not your friend in this circumstance. Let. It. Go.

Your parents are the first people to truly love you and will do this unconditionally until the day they die. If your life circumstances and relationship dynamic allow for it, spend time getting to know them. As they age and you grow older, there is a bridging of the gap that occurs when everything starts to make sense. Pinpointing the how’s and why’s of what they did will seem less simplistic through your matured lens. You’ll look at your own children and realise life and parenting are far more complicated than you could comprehend at 15. Especially when Mum and Dad wouldn’t let you go to that party with that boy who you thought was ''a really nice guy’’ but was in actual fact a pimple faced fuck. Your Dad was a teenager too once, he knew exactly what that little turd was up to.

Do yourself a favour and ask your parents questions only they would know the answers to. Take videos and photos and voice recordings that future you will be grateful for. Watching someone you love so deeply leave the Earthly realm is a humbling experience that still feels cruel and unfair to me all these years later. But I know the true meaning of fragility because of it. The final rise and fall of a chest, the confusion when a heart stops, the surreal moment it all ends. No matter how much you beg God for another day, time waits for no man. Not even the best ones. Give your memories a place to survive.

If you’re friends with my Mum on Facebook you will have seen the photo she posted of me when I was 5 or 6 years old. That little girl had no shoes on in the picture because her family couldn’t afford any. She probably didn’t have lunch that day and was unlikely to have any the day after, but she’d still get around with a cheeky little grin. Happy to be at school using colouring in pencils her Dad wasn’t able to buy her anymore. Childhood Jazzy was shy and uncertain and perhaps a little confused as to what was going on at home. So while I may have had no qualms disappointing 13 year old me, 6 year old Jazzy is someone I’ve tried my best not to let down. And on my 34th birthday, I feel pretty proud of my efforts so far.

We may not have had shoes then, but I’ve made damn sure we have them now.

Happy Birthday darling girl, I’m so proud of you.

With love, always

J

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