Cheats and Liars

Remember when you were young and immature and you did things you’re not proud of? Maybe you flashed your tits to the local bus driver and he ran onto the curb. Maybe you let Johnny fingerbang you in the movies when you were supposed to be at school. Maybe you got too drunk and missed your Nana’s birthday brunch. Or maybe you messaged a girl pretending to be a boy because you’re a manipulative little catfish trying to start some drama. Classic young girls, right? Absolutely no idea.

Thankfully we get older and realise none of that behaviour is reflective of a respectable woman. We grow up, we mature and we move on.

At least, some of us do.

Unfortunately there are women who never reach that stage of life. They exist among us breathing the same precious air. Mostly in dark dingy corners of the world with bad décor and poor ventilation. These women stay committed to their low IQ’s and poor dress sense and winged eyeliner so obnoxious it reaches their temples and fake eyelashes so long they could establish lift off at any moment.

Does it sound like this got very personal, very quickly? Good, because it did. If you’d spent the last week having video calls with a bunch of your girlfriends over psychotic women and a man who thinks he’s hoodwinked everyone with his victim mentality, it would be personal for you too.

I know Michelle Obama says, “When they go low, we go high”. And she’s right, she really is. But I’m not Michelle Obama and heights have never been my thing. So today I’m exercising my right to go as low as possible. If you’re not interested in combing the sea floor to insult the trashy people that wrong us, I would advise you to stop reading now because we’re about to hit rock bottom.

To give you some context I’m going to need to take you back in time.

Imagine being one of the most beautiful people anyone has ever seen in real life. Genuinely. Imagine you’re a 20/10 but you don’t actually know it. Sure, people liken you to various celebrities and swoon over your face and your hair and your skin and you just laugh and think your friends are so sweet, but you never truly get it. You’re naturally humble which only serves to make you even more appealing - much to the annoyance of your not so attractive, not so humble friends who have adult acne and can’t stop eating ice cream for breakfast. Couple that with brains and kindness and grace and style and we have ourselves one seriously impressive woman. Did I mention a good family with good values?

I told you, impressive.

Now imagine being this woman with a level of self-assurance so high that any futile attempt by hundreds of men to get close to you are met with total apathy. It’s not that you have no interest in dating, you just don’t entertain fuck boys and footy players and egotistical maniacs with the emotional maturity of a potato. That in itself tends to narrow down the options in a pool of already limited availability/eligibility. Not to mention the fact that you’ve done the relationship thing once before and he turned out to be a lying, cheating asshole with no substance or social skills. It was painful at the time but with hindsight you realised his dick game was weak, his emotional depth couldn’t ripple an inch of water and you were young so you didn’t really know any better. Plus, the “other woman” hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down which helped (it always helps). As all good people do, you learnt from your experience and you moved on. Heart a little harder, walls a little taller, but you promised yourself, never again. Never again would you question your gut instinct. You hate that he convinced you to in the first place.

Then one day, many years later, you meet someone. It’s an unlikely meeting and an unlikely friendship, but a friendship nonetheless. One that develops into something more over time. Being in your 30’s and looking to the future, you naturally have some honest questions that need honest answers to establish the viability of this situationship. Does he have a steady source of income? Not really. Is he emotionally stable? Not entirely. Has he dumped 1000kgs of personal baggage on your front door hoping you’ll unpack it for him? Yes. Are you his Therapist? No. Does it feel like it? Yes. Are you his Mother? No. Does it feel like it? Sometimes.

Is he kind? Seemingly. Is he honest? Apparently. Does he care for you? It feels that way.  

So you weigh up your options. You check the list you had when you were a private school educated 15-year-old girl with a doting father and you make your comparisons. This guy may not tick all those boxes but you’re not 15 anymore and you know better than to put your future in the hands of a teenager. As a grown ass woman you see that he is caring, emotionally open, vulnerable when necessary and deeply devoted and committed to you. At least, that’s what you thought. Despite some concerning behaviour and habits, you saw his potential. You saw something good when no one else did and for the first time in a long time, you said yes to his redeeming qualities when you had always said no. You took on the charity case of all charity cases.

For 8 months you gave a chance to a person you were never sure could hold up their end of the bargain. For 8 months he had your phone number, your time and your undivided attention. 3 things so many other men had begged for but you chose to give it to this one. You pulled down your walls ever so slowly and trusted again.

And then things begin to change. Someone who once couldn’t go a few hours without contacting you withdraws. They make excuses, start acting different, moving different, speaking different. They say they’re in one place but show up at another. They’re all of a sudden too tired or too busy. They pretend they’ve got too much on their plate and just can’t do this anymore. Acting like they’re doing you a favour because “you deserve better”. They cut you off and “wish you all the best” without actually ending things because they’re too pussy to tell you they’re a lying dog c*nt and have been cultivating ‘friendships’ with other women behind your back. Laying the foundations to jump ship because they need someone who makes them feel like a man even though they’re just a boy. All the while keeping you on a long leash just in case things don’t work out elsewhere. These kind of ‘men’ don’t want to be levelled up, they want to be championed for buying bottles at clubs and booking booths for bottom of the barrel tarts with no class, no standards and no money.

They leave women who are Doctors for women who pretend they’re Doctors but really they’re Dental Assistants. They choose women who appear as Kylie Jenner in the evening but look like Ozzy Osbourne in the morning. They downgrade to women who don’t understand sentence structure or grammar or punctuation. Women who think it’s cool to text women they don’t even know and harass them over scumbag dudes. It’s an absolute clown show out there and some women just loooove going to the circus. You see it in the way they act and in the way they apply their make-up (Ronald McDonald is not a good look sweetheart, not even for him).

These are the kind of women who text you pretending to be the charity case you were seeing for 8 months because apparently, 5.25 seconds ago, they became his girlfriend. Which is funny because he was just at your house telling you he loves you and wants to “stay like this forever”. So rather than catfish someone because you found out the douchebag you’ve known for 2 minutes is a liar, why don’t you call her woman to woman to ask for the story. And if she’s decent, which she is, she’ll happily give you the details in perfectly formed sentences because unlike you she speaks English and not iNgLiSh.

Right. Now that I’ve aired 5% of my frustrations I want to tell women the following (real women, not the Ronald McDonalds of the world).

When your gut tells you something is wrong, believe it. When you ask a question and can’t get a straight answer, that’s your answer. When a man is constantly seeking means through which to validate his victimhood, he is not a man. When he perpetuates his victimhood in your relationship and uses it as an excuse for why he can’t do or be better, he doesn’t want better. When he gets caught in a lie and blames you for his need to execute it, that’s him showing you his truth. When he wants you to help him but doesn’t want to help himself, he’s looking for a quick fix. When he’s insecure he’ll find endless ways to sabotage your confidence. Which sometimes comes in the form of a low IQ, poor dress sense having, winged eyeliner so obnoxious it reaches their temples and fake eyelashes so long they could establish lift off at any moment type woman I referred to earlier. The same type we’d expect him to go for. The type that may challenge him, but won’t change him (and by challenge I mean she’ll have weird incestuous relationships with her family that he doesn’t know about but due to our investigative prowess, we do).

If you’re reading this from the trenches of hurt and pain and heartbreak. If a man you thought you knew better than anyone has revealed himself as a careless, heartless, thoughtless version of himself. If someone else popped up on his phone as ‘Wifey’ and an anonymous text message from an intellectually challenged half-wit elicited a physical reaction in your body. If you spent 8 months bringing him back to life and he can't pick up the phone to offer an explanation or a simple apology, I want to remind you of the following.

You are worthy of the deepest and purest love. The type that keeps you safe in heart and home. The type you’ve waited for all your life. The kind of love that if you’re lucky enough, you saw your Father give to your Mother. The type free of dishonesty and betrayal. The kind that catches you when you fall.

But until then, I promise you this. If we see that lying piece of shit on the street, none of us will feel the need to pull a Charlotte and curse the day he was born.

Because honey, we’ve already forgotten he exists.

With love, always

J